Trouble with the TSA
“Next!” The friendly TSA agent waved us over. I was feeling pretty confident as we made our way through the security line at SEA-TAC. After all, this was our fourth and final checkpoint on our way home after an amazing family trip to Mexico. We had made it through customs twice, managed to have all our paperwork and passports in order, and been searched in Cancun all without any major issues. This final checkpoint should be nothing special. The passports had been put away; all we needed were our tickets and IDs. All of which I had neatly clutched in my hand ready to go as we approached the checkpoint.
The agent took the pile of boarding passes. Mine was the first to be scanned. There was an audible, but nothing special, “beep” made and the agent got on her walkie-talkie, “We need a security manager at checkpoint five.” She quickly scanned everyone else’s ticket, and then asked Hazelee how old she was. “Eleven.” The woman repeated her request for a security manager.
She asked if I had ever gone through extra security screening, and I kind of laughed because I was the one who randomly got checked in Cancun. Hazelee asked what was going on, and I explained that sometimes people get chosen randomly to go through extra screening. No big deal. I looked to the woman for reassurance, “Right?” “I really can’t comment on that ma’am.” Oh Shit.
The security manager showed up and she showed him my boarding pass with a code written on it. “Oh,” he said and physically took a step back. Then the woman, who I had previously misjudged as friendly said, “and she is traveling with an eleven year old.” I could see the demeanor of the security guard change. He began moving and talking more quickly. It was as if adrenaline had kicked in. He wiped his brow and got on his walkie-talkie and requested another officer. I decided to name him Twitchy.
From around the corner came the second security officer and he looked exactly like Brad Garret. I found this amusing because Brad plays Raymond’s cop brother on the T.V. show Everybody Loves Raymond. I was anxiously waiting for him to speak, maybe this was Brad Garret and we were on some hidden camera comedy show. The woman looked at him and said, “Here is her ticket,” and then sort of quieter and leaning in she continued “…and she is traveling with an eleven year old.” What is with all this “eleven-year-old” stuff? Is that code for something? Are eleven-year-olds a security risk all the sudden? I looked down at Hazelee. She was wearing a Puerto Morelos t-shirt, her pink backpack with a giant monkey face on it, and a giraffe airplane pillow wrapped around her neck. Yeah, she looked like trouble.
Brad Garret looked at Steve and Corey, “You two are going to have to go to your gate.” Then he turned to Hazelee and me, “You two, come with us.”
I told the boys to go ahead and kept a smile on my face trying not to worry anyone in the family further. Twitchy took us through the checkpoint and had us unload all of our items into bins. “All of your electronics must be able to be powered up. Are they all charged?” Hazelee tugged on my shirt, “My laptop isn’t charged.” Brad Garret looked at me sternly and said, “If your electronics cannot be powered up you will not get past this checkpoint.” What? We are going to miss our plane because Hazelee’s cheap-ass Wal-Mart laptop isn’t charged?
This laptop has been a pain in the neck from the beginning. We have had to return it twice for a new one. Sometimes it turns on, sometimes it doesn’t and it never holds a charge. The only reason it made the trip was to placate Hazelee and her obsession with the damn thing.
We found the charger and put it in the bin with the rest of the electronics. In the meantime, Twitchy was anxiously waiting for us at the entrance to the x-ray machine. His forehead now had a fresh sheen of sweat, and he kept asking Brad about protocol and which machines we needed to walk through. This guy was clearly nervous, or excited, I couldn’t really tell which.
At that moment it occurred to me that this guy thought he was about to save the day and stop some major terrorist attack. There would be interviews, praise from his superiors, and maybe even a big promotion in his future. Whatever secret code came up when they scanned my ticket must have been a good one.
Hazelee and I were asked to go through three different full body x-ray machines before moving into another location where a female officer was waiting for us. We were about to experience what Hazelee would later call “A firm Christmas pat down.” The officer explained exactly what she was going to do and I saw Hazelee’s eyes get a little wider. I told her I would go first and that there was nothing to worry about. Luckily, our groping security guard had a nice smile and a sense of humor. Her laugh put both of us at ease while Brad and Twitchy, along with a back-up squad of six additional officers, rubbed swabs all over every inch of our belongings.
I looked at the image produced by the x-ray machine and saw a tangle of various wires from our kindle and phone chargers. I had them all plugged into a charging block. The image on the screen looked remarkably like a ticking time bomb inside my backpack. The next image was of my cell phone and the intricate circuits and wires within. The security guys had circled everywhere the wires came together and Brad was examining the details with scrutiny. In the meantime, the Mod Squad kept bringing back results from the swabs while Twitchy anxiously took notes.
Just then Brad got on his radio, “Are the dogs still here?” Dogs? Seriously? In the back of my mind I kept picturing the scene from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles when the guy mockingly taps his watch and tells Steve Martin, “You’ll never make the six.”
All the sudden, Brad looks at me and says, “You can go.” What? Really? I saw Twitchy’s shoulders slump a little. There goes that promotion. I didn’t ask any questions. I quickly started to repack our belongings as Hazelee put her shoes back on. As we hustled through SEA-TAC, feeling confident we were going to make our flight, I wondered what Hazelee must have thought of our experience. She suddenly looked up and me and asked, “Were they able to get my laptop working?”
