Cousin Eddie’s Chubby Moose Ribs
Eleven easy steps to down-home goodness.
First off, if you are some kind of rib-snob and are expecting neat little rows like you would get at the Tony Roma’s, then you should just sit down and enjoy your ride on the lame-train. The recipe here is down home-cooking for real people and it’s delicious, just ask my son Rocky. You could pick up these ribs with your fingers but you would look like a fool and might stain aunt Edna’s doilies. Hasn’t she been through enough?
Still listening? Here it is:
1) Hopefully you left all the flank meat and layers of fat on the ribs when you sawzalled them off of the moose. If not, two words: Tony Roma’s. They’re open till nine. Ribs without fat is like wearing jeans without skivvies. It seems like a good idea at the time but it’s just wrong. It’s no secret that for ribs to be good, they’ve got to be chubby.
2) The bottom of the crock pot is where the magic begins. Set your Winston down and whisk the following together with gusto. Keep in mind that a super-high whisk elbow is taking it too far. Settle down. This isn’t an audition to Heehaw.
(All measurements are approximate. We lost all the measuring stuff when the mobile home burned last winter. Luckily Vickys cupped hands is almost exactly one cup!)
- 1 Tbsp Granulated Garlic
-1 Tbsp Onion Powder
-1 Tbsp Sweet Mesquite Seasoning
-1 Tbsp Smoked Paprika
-1/4 cup Worcestershire Sauce
-4 Tbsp Sweet Baby Rays BBQ sauce.
-1 cool one. ( That’s beer to the layperson.)
-3 cups Bloody Mary Mix. I know what you are thinking here; Eddie, you're just rifling through the fridge reaching for anything to dump in this thing....you’re damn right! Note to the galley: The last time I drank Bloody Marys was at Clark and Ellen’s two Easters ago and it wasn’t pretty but I still feel I won the fight and I’ll have you know that the restraining order was the wife’s idea. Damn that Audrey. I could tell you more but the court won't allow it.
3) Next, nestle your chubby-ass ribs into the marinade. I know it sounds like a come-on line at a hottub party but trust me on this one. If it doesn’t cover all the meat then top it off with water or, even better-more beer.
4) Turn the crock pot on.
5) Plug the crock pot in.
6) Go away for a long time. While your're passing the time try to do something productive. Heck, after Catherine’s shift at the carnival workin the tilt-a-whirl she tends bar out at bingo night at the Elks and she’s eight months pregnant! She’s quite a woman that Catherine. We sure are proud of her.
7) Much later, walk in your front door and be prepared for a full frontal assault on your sniffer. And don’t worry it’s nothing bad like the time the Snots ate a whole barrel of cheese puffs from the Price Club and got the shits on the heater vent. Oooh wee!
Also, it’s a good idea to have a slimjim or three to take the edge off before coming home because you will probably want to start wolfing it down by the spoonful. Don’t do it! Your work here is not done. Pop yourself a cool-one and re-focus.
8) Since you were gone for ten whole hours the bones are no longer as snug as they used to be. Slide them out and discard them to make room for the veggies. If this is a problem for you then once again ( let’s say it together.): Tony Roma’s.
9) Fold in the following ingredients to complete the dish:
- 1 whole white onion-diced.
-1 huge carrot cut into your favorite shapes. I went with little racecars. If you are not in possession of a “huge carrot,” consider using two or three smaller ones ( I got that tip from the cooking channel on the cable T.V. ) It is a lesser-play for sure, but still much better than substituting with a beet or rutabaga or something else lame.
-7 baby portabella mushrooms sliced. Why seven you ask? Six is not enough and eight is too many. Any more questions?
-1/3 cup quinoa. Rinse first because that’s what is says on the package. Rice and/or pearl barley are great substitutes here but quinoa seems to be all-the-rage these days. Something about El Camino acids... count me in.
10) Go away again. Clean out the Trans Am or something.
11) Return, serve and eat... in that order.
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| Clark bought us this crockpot after the fire. |
Culinary review from the fam:
Rocky: “It’s delicious.” This is his default answer to every meal that’s ever been placed before him unless the vegetables are presented in too-great of a number in which-case his comments lean more towards: “I don’t like this.” (We are working on articulation.)
Vicky: “Dad, I really like that the sauce blends in with the meat and the vegetables on top. I really like that texture. If you can do that again, I’ll be oppressed. Bravo.”
“Oppression, that is an interesting word Vick, do you think that maybe you meant impressed?” I was reaching.
“No, I’ll be oppressed Dad.”
Okay.
Ruby Sue: She was born without a tongue so she doesn’t say much, but don’t you worry about her one bit, she whistles like a bird and eats like a horse. She ate four bowls.
Catherine: “It’s good.”
Me: As for the meal, Rocky was right; it was delicious.
That being said I couldn’t help but want for a stalk of celery and a shot of cheap vodka as the meal passed but the court won’t let me do that either.
